Terms of Suffering

1. ACCEPTANCE. By accessing this website, opening a browser tab containing this website, breathing within 40 feet of a Western Way Healthcare facility, or existing in a jurisdiction where Western Way Healthcare has filed a patent on the concept of existence, you agree to these Terms in full, retroactively, and on behalf of your descendants. Ignorance of these Terms is not only not a defense — it is, per Section 44(b), an aggravating factor.

2. DEFINITIONS. "You" means you, your estate, your pets, and any houseplants you have named. "We," "Us," and "Our" means Western Way Healthcare, its subsidiaries, its subsidiaries' subsidiaries, the holding company that owns us which we are not permitted to name, and Dave. "Services" means whatever we decide they mean at the time of invoicing. "Care" is a registered trademark and does not imply caring.

3. COVERAGE. Coverage is provided on a case-by-case basis. All cases are reviewed on a condition-by-condition basis. All conditions are evaluated on a symptom-by-symptom basis. All symptoms are assessed on a vibes-based basis. Western Way Healthcare reserves the right to determine that your illness is, legally speaking, a "choice." Pre-existing conditions include: being born, aging, and any illness you had before, during, or after your plan enrollment date.

4. CONSENT TO PROCEDURES. By signing any form, nodding in the direction of a Western Way employee, or failing to object within 0.4 seconds of a proposed treatment, you consent to all procedures described, implied, or invented after the fact. This includes but is not limited to: elective organ harvesting, experimental cryogenic storage, and The Thing We Are Not Allowed to Call a Procedure Anymore (Per the 2023 Settlement).

5. ARBITRATION. All disputes shall be resolved through binding arbitration in a jurisdiction of our choosing, at a time of our choosing, using an arbitrator of our choosing, under rules of our choosing, which we will share with you after the arbitration has concluded. You waive the right to a jury trial, the right to a judge trial, the right to a trial by any method that involves another human being listening to your concerns. You may, however, write your grievance on a card and slide it under the door of Suite 7B, where it will be reviewed by someone named Greg.

6. HIPAA COMPLIANCE™. Western Way Healthcare takes your privacy extremely seriously, in the sense that we are very serious people who take things. Your health data may be shared with our partners, our partners' partners, research institutions, the holding company we cannot name, Dave, and "interested parties" as defined in Addendum F, which is available upon request but will not be provided.

7. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY. To the maximum extent permitted by applicable law, Western Way Healthcare is not liable for: death, near-death, unexpected death, expected death that arrived late, loss of limb, loss of organ (voluntary or otherwise), emotional distress, physical distress, financial distress, or any form of distress that has not yet been classified by the DSM-6 (projected release: 2031). In states where liability cannot be limited, we have not set up operations. You may be in one of those states and not realize it.

8. AMENDMENTS. These Terms may be amended at any time without notice. The most current version is always the one that is most advantageous to Western Way Healthcare. If you are reading an older version, that version is no longer operative, but the fact that you read it may be used against you.

9. GOVERNING MATHEMATICS. All disputes regarding coverage, billing, and the nature of reality shall ultimately be governed by the digits of π, which are as follows and constitute the complete record of all obligations, rights, and responsibilities under this agreement. You are encouraged to review them in full before disputing any claim. There is no end. There has never been an end. There will not be one.